I am a freak magnet. Always have been. There’s just something about me that strange people find comforting. Whether it’s a loud guy, fresh from the Napa State Mental Hospital, talking about all the drunken bar fights one of his personalities thinks I was in with him, or a homeless guy in Grand Central Terminal telling me about all the movie stars he’d like to do something naughty to if he could sober up. There’s always something.
I was sitting in Peet’s coffee this morning, working on a presentation that’s overdue and drinking my soy latte when an older woman sits in the chair next to me and says “Hello, mind if I sit next to your Dell?”
Not sure what to make of this odd request I just smiled and said, “Fine by me”. That’s when she went into a story that went something like this:
“I’m allergic to Electromagnet Fields, and I wanted to see how badly your Dell emitted them. I’ve been going to these seminars at UC Davis and trying to learn more about them. I first learned about this when I had an electrician come out to my trailer. My PG&E bills had been extremely high since I moved in to my trailer 6 years ago. He figured out that two of my neighbors had been stealing electricity from me, but while he was there he also did and EMF test for me and found that the trailer was very high. Right after I moved in I started feeling very ill and my mental state deteriorated very badly. But now that God helped me find a new place to live I’ve been feeling better every day.
“It’s just hard because I’ve always loved technology. A few years ago, God introduced me to Dell computers, and as I was walking by I noticed that your laptop was a Dell and thought, ‘maybe God wants me to sit in front of that laptop and find out if I can tolerate the EMF’s.’”
After saying all that, she was satisfied and smiled at me with lobotimized eyes while she waited for me to invite her to take my seat. Frankly she seemed harmless, but I wasn’t too into the idea of having this person figure out if she was allergic to my laptop or not. So I said something to the effect of “I’m working on something, it’s overdue, my boss is on my back” (sorry RLB). She seemed okay with that answer and said, “Well maybe when you take a break,” and proceeded to move to the table behind me.
After she moved I went back to work and forgot she was there. I must have been there over an hour when I stood to take the ten foot walk to the counter for another coffee. As I was walking back I was surprised to see her waiting for me. She was staring at my laptop with the hungry expression of a junkie eyeballing a big score.
I figured I’m not going to get rid of her any other way, and as long as she doesn’t try to use it I’ll be okay. So I apologized for making her wait, and she replied, “It’s okay, God told me you were very busy.” She got up, sat in my chair and looked at the screen.
“This feels very nice.” Pause for effect.
“Oh yes, I think I could use this.” She sounded more like someone testing out a mattress then someone testing out a laptop.
I then spent the next five minutes talking about screen resolution, Verizon wireless internet cards, and why Apple Computers were the only laptop vendor at the EMF seminars she had been attending.
Needless to say, when she finally left I was a little more than relieved, but she got me thinking about EMF’s. I remembered when cell phones took off in the mid 90’s and everyone was afraid of getting brain cancer from the EMF’s. Now everyone uses Bluetooth Wireless headsets!
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